Let’s Talk Crap

First…let me announce the winners from last week’s blog with the amazing Susan Muller!  Loralee Lillibridge and Janna Shay — you two won for your comments and good taste of who to be locked in a closet with!  Kelli, you have a rockin’ sense of humor and great choice.  Mo, very creative — you get points for the pirate idea.  And, Quilt Lady, you were brave enough to be greedy in selecting three hot men.  Good for you.  If the five of you would please email me at: christie (at) christie-craig (dot) com with your choice of either a print or e-book, we can sort out the particulars.  Congrats!

Do you hear it?  The whispers?  It’s coming.  Whispers at Moonrise, my forth book in the Shadow Falls series releases next week.  That’s right next week!!!  And just as a teaser for the book, before I get to the real blog, here’s a video done by the amazing Rosa Brand.


And…I have some other wonderful news.  Today, my boxed set of three books goes on sale for $1.99.  Three books: Murder, Mayhem and Mama, Gotcha! and Weddings Can Be Murder.  All three for less than two bucks!  As an added bonus, you can read the first eight chapters of Born at Midnight, the first book in the Shadow Falls series.   And, if you’d like to read more, St. Martin’s has reduced the price of Born at Midnight in e-book to $2.99.

Now for the blog:

 Let’s Talk Crap

 Just in case you didn’t get it from the title… Warning:  The following blog contains some G-rated potty humor. 

 SAYING OF THE WEEK: (Chosen for its appropriateness) Shit Happens.

Okay…now that you’re onboard with our subject, let’s talk.  ‘Let’s get real.’  Does that line sound familiar?  If so, you’ve probably seen that commercial about toilet paper where a woman says, “It’s time to get real–to say what you really expect from your toilet paper.”  I always laugh at that commercial.  And like most things that get a giggle out of me, the reason I find it funny is because there is an element of truth in it. Truth that we normally don’t discuss.  Potty truth.  Taboo truth.  Anything that happens in the bathroom is basically taboo, unless you are a two or three year old, or as it commonly happens, a male who never outgrew that stage.  (Yes, unfortunately there are a lot of those.) Or, you’re a comedy writer who happens to write romance, who knows good material.  Plain and simple, potty humor is funny.  You don’t agree?  Well, tell me you didn’t laugh at the movie Bridesmaids!

But let’s get back to toilet paper.  How many of you have gone into a restaurant bathroom and frowned when you went to grab a few squares and the paper is that thin, nonabsorbent stuff that just doesn’t get the job done?  My hubby (yes, one of those males who didn’t completely grow out of that stage) calls it John Wayne toilet paper.  Rough and tough and won’t take shit off anybody.

Now, I’ll bet you guys are probably wondering what bought on this odd blog.  Well, two things.  The other day my granddaughter was over playing with Play Dough.    She was pressing the play dough through one of those shape making toys, and giggled.  “It looks like poo.”

She was right.  And it got a big laugh in the room.  And then my daughter, who had her smart phone in her hands, leaned in and said…, “You know, I’m a big Pinterest fan, right?  Well, you can find anything on Pinterest.  And the other day, I accidentally ran across some images of . . . poo.  Not just to show poo, but talking about what a healthy poo should look like.  And sort of giving you health tips according to your poo’s appearance.  As in, what a poo looks like if you don’t drink enough water sort of advice.  It was kind of gross, but kind of interesting.”

I was totally intrigued.  “So what does a healthy poo look like?” I asked.

She started to explain and I said, “Show me?”

She rolled her eyes.  “I don’t know if could find it again.  I mean, I wasn’t going to pin it.  Because people

following me would know I pinned poo.”

We all laughed again.  And you know what I did, don’t you?  If you think I went and pinned poo, you are wrong.  What I did was ask my daughter, “Can I blog about this?” She gave me her blessing.

So, now on to other potty matters, the second thing that inspired this blog.   Months ago, my son came home from work looking like a kid at Christmas.  “I got you a present.”

He didn’t have his hands behind his back like he did when he was three, bringing me a dandelion flower he’d pulled from the weeds.  But he had the same look.

“A gift?” I asked.

“Yes, but you’ll have to go to the bathroom to find it.”

I was leery.  When he was younger I’d been lured in the bathroom to see what thought was longest turd ever.  But, trusting he’d outgrown that stage, I went into the bathroom and on the back of the toilet I found it.  POO-POURRI.  Yup, you heard that right.  Here’s what’s printed on the back:

There was a Young lad from Rhone

Who’s odor he’d rather disown

now he’s taming his poo

by anointing the loo

and now happily sits on his throne!

 And, hey…I must confess it really works.  All you do is spray the toilet water before doing your business.  It works so well that they have since come out with little portable packages of this stuff in little dissolvable tabs that you carry in your purse and use in public bathrooms.  Hey…how many of you have been in the position that you either gave someone a courtesy flush or wished the person in the stall beside you would return the favor?  So I must say…this is really a brilliant idea.

I hope whoever invented it gets rich. 

I like it so much that I have given it away as gifts.  Frankly, this is the perfect gift for someone who has everything, who has a sense of humor, and who would like the world to think their shit doesn’t stink.

And today, I’m going to be giving away a bottle of POO- POURRI to one lucky commenter along with a copy of Whispers at Moonrise.  So make sure you leave a comment.  And for those of you would like to double your chances, this blog is posted both here and at Killer Fiction: http://killerfictionwriters.blogspot.com/

So here are the questions of the day:

What kind of toilet paper do you use? And what qualities do you require in your toilet paper?

Would you pin poo?

Here’s to a good laugh and hopefully to an entertaining blog that really isn’t crap. (Sorry, I had to go for one more pun!)   Thanks and don’t forget to pick up a copy of Whispers at Moonrise.



Hitchcock, Bitches and a Locksmith

Bob, who inspired the orange tabby cat in Blame it on Texas

Saying of the week:  “Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you’re up to.”

WINNERS!  WINNERS!  The lucky winners from last week’s Blame it on Texas trivia were:

Layla Darnell

Kristin Griffin

Sabrina Robert

Congratulations, you guys!  Please email me your snail mail addresses so I can get you your goodies.  Note, you must claim your prizes within 48 hours, or your prizes will be awarded to someone else.  And thanks again for playing!  That was fun!

Hello guys!!

Today at Laugh, Love, Read, I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine who is also a writer.  Her book, a  mix of paranormal and romantic suspense, The Secrets on Forest Bend, will be coming out in print soon, and today to help her celebrate I’m giving away five copies—either in print or e-book.  So make sure you leave a comment to be entered in the drawing.  Next week, on this blog, we will be announcing the winners.  So make sure you come back to see if you’ve won.

So, without further ado, allow me to introduce Susan Muller.

So, Susan, as you know, I’m a wine drinker.  What wine would you pair with your book?
Funny that you should ask this. Yesterday, I was in Spec’s liquor store browsing the red wine section, and I stumbled upon a bottle called Bitch. I was very tempted to buy that bottle. I have described Heather, the ghost in The Secrets on Forest Bend, as mean, evil, vindictive, and psychotic.  It’s possible bitch is a more accurate term.
Tell me some of the qualities that you are envious of in your heroine.
Readers often ask me if I modeled Jillian, my Forest Bend heroine, after myself. Why would I do a thing like that? One of the perks of being an author is that you can completely invent your characters. I gave Jillian all the things I lack. To start with, she’s tall and slim. So you can guess what that makes me.  She’s very self-sufficient. Her mother died when she was young and she taught herself to cook. She inherited a failing gun store from her father and built it into a successful business. But the thing I envy most is that she’s handy.  She even built her own deck. I have never in my life hammered a nail straight. They always bend before I’m finished. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big fence nail or a little picture nail, it’s going to be crooked. If any of you know the secret and can tell me what I’m doing wrong, I’d appreciate it because I have a definite stubborn streak and hate to admit it when I can’t do something.
What did you want to be when you were a child?
When I was young, I wanted to be an actress. My sister and I put on plays with the neighborhood kids. In high school, I studied drama. I acted in plays in high school and college, but my practical side took over and I majored in accounting. Still, you should have heard me reading to my kids when they were little. I did all the voices and accents. If only they gave Oscars for that. If dreams come true, and Hollywood comes asking about The Secrets on Forest Bend, I might have to insist on some little walk on part  —  sort of like Alfred Hitchcock.
Okay, last question, Susan…If you had to be locked into a closet with one person, who would it be?
I’m a little claustrophobic (okay, a lot claustrophobic) so it better be a locksmith. Now, if it was a hot, good looking locksmith, that might keep my mind occupied until he got the door opened.
Now, here’s a little about Susan’s book, The Secrets on Forest Bend:

Another day. . . another dead body.

When Detective Adam Campbell learns that a WWII gun is connected to several murders he’s investigating, he hopes that tracking down the killer will be as easy as tracing the gun’s history. When he meets Jillian Whitmeyer, the last known owner of the weapon, the case becomes anything but simple.

Adam soon learns that people who get close to Jillian have a bad habit of turning up dead. Jillian claims that the spirit of her sister, accidentally killed with that same gun, is responsible for the deaths. She warns Adam that he is likely to become the next victim. Adam’s been a lousy judge of women in the past, and this one’s obviously a nut case. Or is she? How does a just-the-facts detective deal with a ghostly serial killer and the sexy-as-hell sister she won’t set free?

Thanks for joining me, Susan!  Loved having you!

Now it’s your chance…tell me who you’d like to be locked in a closet with for your chance to win a copy of her book!

Laugh, Love, Read

Welcome to my new blog:  Laugh, Love, Read.

I’ll be chatting about wine, things that make me laugh, books — both mine and other authors, and of course. . . romance.   And you know when I say romance, that means we’ll occasionally be discussing men and what makes them tick.

I’ll be posting every Tuesday, and at least once a month I’ll be hosting a contest.  So come back weekly and learn how you can win books, gift cards, and funny off the wall items.  I can’t promise to educate you with every blog, I don’t claim to be that smart, but I’m gonna give it my all-time effort to entertain you.  So stroll on in, get comfy.  Get out of your grumpy mood and let’s share some laughter.  I’ll occasionally post questions for you to answer and you’ll have more fun if you participate.  I’m planning to offer up things for you to ponder over, maybe a recipe here and there, and I’ll share some of my favorite sayings.  Hopefully, you might stumble across some inspiration, or at the very least just something to take your mind off whatever is trying to stress you out.  And for today’s post, I’d like to share parts of a blog I wrote for Fresh Fiction.

“When things go right, laugh; when thing go wrong, laugh harder”.  — My Grandmother

I come from a long line of southerners who believe humor is not only an expression of joy, but a damn good coping mechanism.  Laughter soothes your spirit when some stress gremlin tries to steal your joy out of life.   A prime example of this was at my aunt’s funeral.  She was an amazing, strong-willed lady who loved to . . .  love.  She’d been divorced three times and married four.

To the same man.

They really brought home the old adage:  Can’t live with ‘em, and can’t live without ‘em.

My uncle, also a strong-willed individual, had passed away a year earlier.

Heavy clouds clung to the morning of my aunt’s funeral.  We sat in that room with her casket, listening to my cousin talk about how much his mom would be missed.  When he stopped to catch his shaky breath, lightning struck.  Literally, lightning struck the funeral home.  The pews shook; the power went out.  Overtaken by silent blackness, the loudest thing in the room was our grief.

Clearing his throat in the darkness, my cousin said, “Wow.  Mom and Dad must be back together again.”

Laughter filled the unlit room like renewed light and we found an emotional reprieve in the humor.

I not only believe in the benefits of humor, but I offer it to my characters.  Both Tyler and Zoe in Blame it on Texas have some emotional hurdles to overcome.  As Tyler and Zoe accidentally laugh their way into love, my goal is that readers will laugh right along with them.  And as the reader turns the pages I hope they will find their own reprieve from the heart-melting humor in the Hotter in Texas series.  While a good book can’t actually right the wrongs in our lives, like the day at my aunt’s funeral, it can help us cope, help us deal with the stressful gremlins who try to steal our joy.  So here’s to laughing, loving, reading, and slaying gremlins.

And now for all my loyal fans who have read my latest release, here’s some Blame it on Texas Trivia and a chance to win one of three prizes: a $15 gift card to B&N, a $10 gift card to B&N, or a $15 gift card to Starbucks.  NOTE: Do not post the answers in the comment section.  Email them to me at: Christie(at)christie-craig(.)com.  The winner will be announced on next week’s blog.  If more than one person answers all the questions right, I’ll draw one name from the hat.  The winner must claim his/her gift within 48 hours.

Blame it on Texas Trivia:

1)      What’s the name of the dog who appears in the Hotter in Texas series?

2)      Where does the dog in the Hotter in Texas series like to take naps?

3)      What’s the name of my heroine’s cat in Blame it on Texas?

4)      What kind of sandwich does Zoe serve up to Tyler that leaves him making funny faces?

5)      What kind of board game do Tyler and Zoe play in the book and what makes their game so much fun?

And now for the question/thought of the week:  We all have different ways of coping with stress.  I spend time with one of my animals.  Read.  Or I’ll pour myself a glass of wine and go sit in the hot tub.   Or maybe I’ll pick up the phone and call someone who can make me laugh. Or better yet, have lunch with them.  What do you do to slay your gremlins?  What do you do to have a little fun?